The gnomes smell like cheese
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she’s imaginary. So I’m good.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m never included in things either.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
I like to believe you smell like incense and candy
freshly laundered clothes.
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
Facebook is more like a lost and found box for people.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what’s inside ….. the wallet.
My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
Fart jokes ain’t funny, they stink.
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